This Breaks my Heart

Shattered

I went to read my e-mail this morning, and I stumbled across an article that compelled me to post. Before I copy it and comment, I want to express my sincerest best intentions. This is something that happens way too often. I mean no disrespect in any way shape or form; to the family or this beautiful young man.  

This Shouldn’t Be

This is an article about the unnecessary loss of life. This is so wrong on so many levels, that I don’t think I can possibly address it adequately. A young man felt compelled and took his life. I look at his picture, and see a child. Someone that hasn’t even had a fair chance at life yet. Someone with a smile on their face and light in their eyes. He had friends that he was loyal to. He had a family that loved him. He had a cat that he loved. He tried to brighten people’s days. He had talents with computers. He had gifts and dreams that were unique to him. He may have appeared to be different or frail, so people targeted him.

People blame him for his cognitive process, while he was still in the process of development. Why? Why do the people that tormented him not get addressed properly? This should change. Why do people blame him, like they have never broken down before when vulnerable? Maybe he is one of many people, like myself, that are not the best at handling stress and confrontation. Maybe, when he felt the tangible pains of rejection and hatred squeezing and clawing at his heart, he acted. Maybe he didn’t know a better solution at the time, while under all of that pressure.

I read the comments and feel more pain in my heart. People blame him. People blame the parents. Sometimes I think the world walks around with fingers pointed out, instead of our hands open to help.

If You Happen to See This

My best wishes and prayers go out to the family, the friends and the community. Right here and now, in my chair; I don’t know what else to do. I pray that you are able to get up and live again. I pray that in the days to come you have peace, and comfort and understanding from others. I pray that you remember the good times and the laughter that you shared. I pray that you do not live in torment or blame yourselves, even if other mean-spirited individuals do. I pray that you remember all the beauty in your life, at every single part of the journey. I truly pray that you are able to smile again. My deepest condolences. I don’t know what it’s like to walk in your shoes right now. I do know that loss hurts.

Didn’t See This One in Sunday School

Bread Roll of Doom

Gideon was a very fearful man. His people were under great persecution. They had been forced out of their land, and their resources were taken from them.

Gideon would stand up for his people. He had a hard time believing that he was capable of this. How did God remedy this? Through a shared dream, about The Bread Roll of Doom against their aggressors. LOL!

Judges 7:13

Gideon arrived just as a man was telling a friend his dream. “I had a dream,” he was saying. “A round loaf of barley bread came tumbling into the Midianite camp. It struck the tent with such force that the tent overturned and collapsed.”

The Church Wouldn’t Have Me: Part II

Stop the Music

Throughout my life, I have had a hard time fitting in, especially in the church. I sometimes wonder how many other people out there have the same social graces or lack thereof.

When I was younger, I was dropped off at our youth group building. I walked into worship service late. Those were the days of patchouli baths and Marlboro reds.

There was a girl leading worship that was my age. She stopped singing and said over the microphone, “Pew, what is that smell?” She asked others if they smelled it. She said it was like weird herb cigarettes. I was seriously embarrassed. It did not instantaneously break my bodies craving for nicotine, and all the other chemicals in cigarettes. It did not turn my lungs bubblegum pink. It did not inspire me to work harder at my addiction, for her well being.

 

Guilty!

My ears were on fire. I yelled out, that it was probably the essential oils that I used, or the cigarette that I had smoked. I ran out to the parking lot and found our car, so that I could disappear and cry. Eventually the whole youth group, including the leader, came outside and apologized to me. They asked me to return, but I was too embarrassed. I already knew that I wasn’t good enough for any of those perfect kids. I should have just shrugged it off. They are just as human as I am. I do have to wonder, how many other “smelly” people go to the church, and then get told about it.

This was a pretty small youth group. This is just one experience. This is just my side of the story.

 

Demons

Since then, there have been more fun experiences than I can count on both of my hands. This is from Christians, from different denominations and churches. I cannot say that I have travelled the world and tried every church available.

Sometimes, an issue would be something as minute as my perception of a scripture. There were times, when this was summed up to the influence of evil spirits or the devil himself. This is highly annoying. Usually this wasn’t from leadership, but from congregation members in different settings. I still haven’t figured out how, getting accused of being devilish is supposed to help someone.

I tried to go back to church sporadically, after I had matured a little. When I had moved far away from home. I respected the leaders. I did not interrupt services. I gave. Sometimes I tried to sit by people, and was told an empty seat was taken.  I tried to be nice to others. I tried to smile a lot, because I knew that Christians were always supposed to be happy. I still didn’t feel a great connection in the church. I was very lonely. I tried to get involved, but still felt like I was riding solo most of the time. I wondered what the point was, if I was just going to be rejected anyway.

This makes me wonder what people like me are supposed to do. I’ve yet to find the magic wand that makes everything instantaneously perfect.

 

What Now?

I know that if I have a recurring problem, I cannot always point the finger. I might need to take a deeper look inside. In the process of growing though, is there anywhere that I would be welcome? I wonder if there are others like me that don’t feel welcome in the church. Maybe we smell bad. Maybe our faces are demonic or something. Maybe our clothes aren’t 21st century, American-Christian enough. Not sure. I wonder where we demon people are supposed to go.

I also wonder what exactly it is that deems us worthy of a public outing. Especially by the members that wouldn’t otherwise have much to do with us. Maybe we haven’t attained the level as perfection that they have yet, on our life’s journey. Maybe they are lucky that they have not had to walk in our shoes.

The treatment is humiliating. It doesn’t solve problems. It also makes me think that going to a church, or at least some of the social circles, is not the way to go if I want to be encouraged. There are some churches that I feel safe watching from home, every once in a while.

Just saying…

White Flag

I am at a point, where my hands are in the air. If I wanted to be part of an elite group, I would go join a prestigious country club. I  probably wouldn’t even fit in there. I just keep striving for a better life. I don’t hate or try to hurt other Christians. They have just as much right to life as I do. Sometimes I am embarrassed of the word. Most of them don’t even want to be around me for too long anyway. The few beautiful ones that I have met, have been in and out of my life like a shooting star. In my case, that has been most of my relationships though.

If I say I am a Christian, or that I believe in a God to non-Christians; I usually get dirty looks. OR, they do the same finger pointing as the other side. I feel like I am looking down the barrel of a gun from both angles. Uncle I say! Uncle!

Thank God for the few kindred weirdos that I have in my life.

The Church Wouldn’t Have Me: Part I

A Little History

So I have a confession. I am a PK. Pastor’s kid. That doesn’t mean that I have ever fit in very well with religious circles. I think my name means “awkward one” in Romulan.

Oh, you are a pk, so you …

Oh Snap!

How very original. I love you…

I think we are given a bad rap, for wanting to search and learn and possibly even think for ourselves. To find our own way. Our own path. We have to, as we live with ourselves.

In my case, some of the stereotypes could be based off of fact. Just me, anyways. I cannot speak for everyone. I am definitely guilty of doing things that would make my parents blush.

Black Sheep

I was a black sheep from the start. Way before all of the ornery, that I had lurking up my sleeves.  I had problem written all over my face.  First off, If I wasn’t a baddy; I wouldn’t have been born with an issue. One that made me different than most people I met. One that required money and medical attention.

When I was growing up, we moved A LOT. I won’t say how many times. I went to three different high schools if that gives you an idea. I had trouble fitting in. Whenever I thought I was setting a foundation and making new friends, we up and moved again. I had to start over. What may have been socially acceptable in one school on the east coast, wasn’t in another school elsewhere.  This may have helped me to make an art form out of being awkward. I also learned there is great diversity in the United States. Now, I wouldn’t trade that for anything.

Rawr

I definitely acted out. Sometimes I did, because I felt backed into a wall. I had a problem practicing couth. In one small school we moved to, it earned me a ticket in front of the school board and out the front door permanently.

I almost got the same one way ticket at the next school district. I was greeted by the principal, and asked if I was a part of the circus. My hair and attire might have been a little unique to say the least. When I felt put on the spot like this; I felt that it was my duty to speak loudly and clearly, while listing off every curse word that I thought described him properly.

I felt like they were in the wrong, and I was dropping the hammer of justice on them.

After a heavy apology from my parents, I was given the opportunity to eat crow to the principal in order to go back to school. The strange thing about the apology was that my ears folded back, just like a cat when I was talking. I must have had the most lemon puckered face the principal had ever seen. I am almost positive that I tried to shoot death lasers at him from my eyes.

 

Confession #2

At one part of my life, I hated Christians passionately. I blamed them. There are really high standards and expectations set. So for me, it was easy to point the finger. I had an inside scoop. You know what I have found? Despite religious beliefs in life, people will disappoint us. If any person in the world lived above every single thread of hypocrisy, not only would they be perfect, but the world would probably be a lot nicer. I think that is one reason why love is so important.

Issues

What haven’t I done wrong? Thankfully, I haven’t crossed any lines that have landed me in a cage. Sometimes, when I made really poor choices; I just got lucky. I have battled with addictions. I wanted to escape. It did not change my life in a good way. It NEVER fixed a problem. I wouldn’t recommend it.

If worrying (fear) is a sin, then I probably sin every 5 minutes or so. What shall I do if I find myself smashed by a random large rock? BURN! Just Kidding. I would like to think that if there was an Eternal being, They are way more pro on grace and love than we are.

To be continued…

Didn’t See this One in Sunday School

Sometimes things aren’t what they seem

Hannah wanted a child. She was infertile. She went to a temple and prayed desperately for a child. A priest named Eli saw her praying and thought that she was drunk. I think this story is hillarious. Sometimes things really aren’t what they appear to be.

1 Samuel 1:12-15

12 And it came to pass, as she continued praying before the Lord, that Eli amarked her mouth.
13 Now Hannah, she spake in her heart; only her lips moved, but her voice was not heard: therefore Eli thought she had been drunken.
14 And Eli said unto her, How long wilt thou be drunken? put away thy wine from thee.
15 And Hannah answered and said, No, my lord, I am a woman of a sorrowful spirit: I have drunk neither wine nor strong drink, but have apoured out my soul before the Lord.

Did Jesus Have Green Eyes?

No Idea.

Sometimes You just have to Laugh at Yourself

Dreamer

I am a dreamer, to a fault. Since childhood, I have told myself that something totally awesome was going to happen in my life. I have had good times and not so good times. I think even when I have felt like throwing in the towel, there was still a spark of hope somewhere down deep inside.

Trust me; I have had my fair share of failures. I get myself amped up when I think I have a good idea. Sometimes I step out on a limb. One that is way outside of my comfort zone.  All of the major times that I have tried to fly so far, have earned me a good face plant.

Sometimes I get so afraid of life, that I would compare myself to a little yip dog. If someone walks into the same room as me and say, blinks on a bad day; I feel like I am about to leave a mess on the floor. On a flip side, I try to tell myself that that is how passionate I am. I mean, I have to live with myself.

This is a story of a not so good idea I may have had. I hope you get a smile out of it, and don’t take yourself or life so seriously for a moment.

Job Search

I have been searching for a career with purpose. I was trying to build on what experience and education I do have. See, we only have one life. If I give all that I have, I want to be treated like more than a number. I really don’t want to wake up every day to an alarm clock that screams self destruct.  I don’t like pulling into a job, that within five minutes of arrival; I start to look for my emergency cyanide pill (SARCASM).

The Craigslist Resume section was a recent discovery of mine. I had never noticed this before. Without posting an actual resume, I decided to use Craigslist to post a free ad. I was hoping to provoke a valid inquiry. I wanted to use humor. Sometimes, I am a comedian in my own mind. This is the actual ad that I posted:

Bifocals 

Text:

I am desperately seeking a career. Yes, I said it, desperately. My niche is something that has evaded me like a white unicorn. 

Allow me to share a little bit about myself:

Eyes:

I am extremely passionate and believe if you are going to do something, you need to do it right.
I am flexible. Overtime doesn’t kill anyone. As hard as I try though, please remember that I am not a robot. 
I am ready to sell a kidney bean if it means I will belong to something great.
I stealthily nosedive into office foliage in order to avoid water cooler gossip.
I will gladly provide a limited edition of “Abstract Career Land of Unicorn and Backwards Pickle Face” or “Twisted Career Dreams: The Puppy Taster, Pizza Cuddler and Ice Cream Critic” in exchange for a face-to-face interview. 

In a Nutshell:

I will give you 100%. Will you do the same for me? 
I dream of a career. One that compensates fairly, because I will give you everything that I’ve got. 
If you have an immediate opening for Ice Cream Taster, Pizza Critic, or Puppy Cuddler, please respond ASAP. If you have another challenge for me, I am ready to utilize my current skills or take on a new career path. 
I have word processing, clerical, customer service and other miscellaneous office admin skills. I am not interested in marketing. If you have a serious interest, I will send you my resume. 

Thank you for your time. Have a wonderful day!

I illustrated it with two of my drawings

This one:

In the original ad, I also had a Ewes section. I had asked if a boss would pop a vein if a pickle was on backwards, not to inquire. I also stated that if I called in late, once over a 6 month period, it was unlikely that I was partying at my minimum wage beach house. I decided that was a little too cocky/wordy after I had drawn this picture and omitted that text.

And this one:

I didn’t even get much spam…

I got two offers for marketing…

One offer from word of mouth. That is another story.

Moral of the Story

So, if you are taking life too seriously. If you are taking yourself too seriously. Try to laugh it off. Get up and try again. I do.